Being happy for another

Do you think it is possible to be completely happy for another person with no hint of envy/jealousy, or to the contrary, do you think every time one is happy for another, there is an indestructible parallel thread of envy that is part of man's innate nature? If you believe in the former, would you qualify it, i.e., are there any circumstances under which this is possible? What about the necessity for it? Do you think it is necessary to have the ability to feel truly happy for another person?

Indians have long believed in the existence of the "evil eye", to the extent that it is even believed to be subconscious, and they also believe that jealousy can affect the well-being of the other person. Of course, I think many of us do feel insecure when we sense jealousy. Whether or not we consciously take a stand on believing in the evil eye, there are times when many of us are afraid to "jinx" something. What are your sentiments in this regard?

I think that being happy for another person takes empathy. To this end, do you think that a person incapable of being happy for another is incapable of sympathizing with another's sorrow just the same...?

Have you been in a circumstance/relationship where you can never feel that another person can be truly happy for your success? Is that important to you, and do you think the reason for the other person's not being happy is necessarily jealousy? If not, what are the other possibilities, assuming that you know the person too well for it to be simple nonchalance?

How do you deal with jealousy, both when you see it brewing inside you and when you see it in another person, towards you? Is it possible for good friendship and active jealousy to coexist, and if so, is that ok?

And finally, what do you think is the origin of jealousy? I was reading about Jean-Jacques Rousseau's philosophy. According to Rousseau:

"Society's negative influence on men centers on its transformation of amour de soi, a positive self-love, into amour-propre, or pride. Amour de soi represents the instinctive human desire for self-preservation, combined with the human power of reason. In contrast, amour-propre is artificial and encourages man to compare himself to others, thus creating unwarranted fear and allowing men to take pleasure in the pain or weakness of others." (wikipedia)

How much do you agree with that? Do you think the reason is, ultimately, society/social structure?

"Positivity"

What does "positivity" mean to you? There is obviously some line between being happy and "thinking positive". Do you believe that you can make things happen or make things turn around by "thinking positively"?

I was listening to an interview with author Barbara Ehrenreich on NPR. She had lots of interesting things to say. I haven't read her, but the interview was about her book, Bright-sided, "How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America".

This got me thinking about numerous questions about the truth and the value behind the "power of positive thinking", and also people's perception of what is positive, and their reaction to negativity. Do you fanatically try to exclude negativity, and "negative people" from your life? Has it helped? Or does it take more energy to force yourself to remain positive than is worth it? Is it best to just "flow" along?

As a simple day to day example of being "positive", it's common especially in America for people to greet absolute strangers. Americans are known to be cheerful, friendly, upbeat and all the "good stuff". When I go to pick up coffee, the barista routinely asks me "How are you?" or "How's your day going?" Sometimes I routinely respond with a "fine" or "good", actually mostly, cause I am preoccupied anyway. Sometimes I say something more about the day. This takes me to the question of how often people really want to know how one's day is going. I understand that these questions, at this point, are often just synonymous with saying "hello" or "hi". But my question is directed towards you, the reader. How often do you respond to this question literally? And when you ask someone "How are you?" do you really want an honest reply from the other person? If the person at the other end were to start out answering your question with "Shitty, I seem to be coming down with something, my wife just lost her job, and our dog hurt himself", or something like that, would you think "I'd rather not have heard that"?

I don't expect people to be "positive" all the time. I feel stifled myself if I am not able to express negative criticism when I want to, say something sarcastic once in a way or laugh when something silly happens. At the same time, I hate constant complainers. It's perhaps the fact that they "are" a certain way (unhappy mostly) that's bothersome to me, rather than the fact that they are "expressing" it. But I am not one of those people who'll necessarily and aggressively *try* to find something positive in *everything* (I have known such people), or say positive affirmations to myself everyday. I accept the fact that there are some things in the world that are "negative" through and through...

That said, dear reader, do you mostly carry on day to day conversations completely honestly? Or do you find yourself restricting your expressions at times, due to pressure to be a "positive" person? How does this differ, depending on whether you're in a social setting or a professional setting? I imagine it could differ based on who the person at the other end is, how close you are to them, etc.

Lastly about your view of success and your means to get it- what's your usual path to success in any mission you set out on? Do you think perseverance alone is enough, or do you think it's necessary to "think positively" or believe that "you just need to want something to have it"?

(Or if you're one of those people who think everything is predestined, all these questions are moot :-))

What do you like most about yourself?

What do you like most about yourself and of course, why, if you know why? It could be looks, a body part, an instinct, an aspect of your mind, a talent, a mannerism, a personality trait, an outlook, a social position, just anything. And it's about the current "you", so it does not have to be something you have always possessed or know you will always possess. Blow your trumpet unabashedly! :-)

Dealing with sorrow around you

How do you deal with sorrow around you? There's just so much terrorism, crime, poverty and misery around. The recent news of crime around the area where I live, and the Mumbai blasts and the economic recession etc. seem too much to bear. They raise questions about why the world is the way it is and whether or not we as a species are evolving and how we can define 'ideal conditions' in the world. Given the laws of nature and human temperament, can too much stability for too long bring happiness either? And hence, are we to take suffering in our stride and just preoccupy ourselves in solving problems? In any case, the antagonism and terror around the world, and the unthinking dependence on the material world for happiness, seem like a sad state of affairs.

My husband and I recently met a homeless guy who got talking to us. He initially danced and fooled around and made us laugh. In a few minutes he told us his whole life story and it was very sad. He was from Alaska, he said, and he and his wife, out of compassion, let a bum live with them. The bum, it turned out, was the villain of their lives. He raped this man's wife. In his rage this man shot the guy and then spent years in prison. The man cried his heart out. Was it all true? Was some of it fabricated? Was all of it fabricated? Was he demented and was this the story his mind had come up with? Who knows... but the sorrow in his being was real. It was genuine. It could not be contained. The guy was looking back at his life, thinking of the road not taken - that's the worst form of remorse, I think. He said he and his wife at some point had refused shelter to a teen aged girl who was homeless, and then when this other villain of a bum came along, they simply had to help him, to rid themselves of their guilt. He was imagining the path his life would have taken had they helped the first bum.

How do we deal with sorrow? How do *you* deal with sorrow around you? One aspect is dealing with it emotionally yourself, the other is, what you can do to alleviate it. Guess we can all focus on one cause and work towards it. There really is no place for feeble heartedness.

Did the Buddha feel the same pang of pain when he saw suffering in the world?

What are your stories? How have others' lives and difficulties affected you? How do you cope with them emotionally? How do you strengthen yourself and help the situtation and the people around you?

Happy Birthday Cyber Diaries!

You're a year old and the powerful baby that's the product of so many neurons spread across the globe! Thanks for keeping my mind alive and my heart open to varied perspectives!

Pray you live long and continue to evolve!

Friendship

This sounds simple and clichéd, but I want to know what people think about friendship. What qualities do you need the most in a friend? We always hear of things like "a friend *is there* for me", "a friend does *not judge* me", "I can *be myself* with a friend" etc. What are your criteria/expectations? Which of them would you be willing to compromise on and to what extent? Does a friend have to be intelligent and interesting only, or a "good" person too (by whatever your definition of "good person" is)? Or is the former not important at all as long as the person is well intentioned? Does the person have to be "good" in general; i.e., towards other people or society at large, or is it enough for them to be good to you? Are intellectual elements such as criticisms and debates important, and do you prefer that they keep you honest always? Or may be there are some here who think friends are just for having a "good time" with and are happy as long as they have fun with friends. What do you think? Or do friends have to be fun in addition to satisfying other things?

Do they need to take interest in you, your passions and what you do? For e.g., would you naturally expect a friend to give you feedback on your tennis strokes or a work of art of yours? Do you think this is reciprocal and if so how do you define the terms of your "transactions" with people? Is it based on the other person's action/inaction? Also, do friends always have to share their goals and dreams and experiences with you?

Further, I have come across people ("friends") who are mostly competitive. Their focus is almost always on how much better (or worse) you do than them in anything. Do things like this seem significant to you at all and would they affect your image of them as a friend?

My final set of questions revolves around how people change with time and circumstances. Does it affect you if a person you were once close to changed in some way that may be considered "superficial"? For e.g., if a friend of yours completely changed the way they look or talk, would you feel comfortable adjusting to the change and still thinking of the person as the same friend?

Maybe there is no specific set of criteria and each friend is different from another and you like different things about different people. But are there any common (least common denominator) set of qualities you want a friend to have or want a friend *not* to have?

The above mentioned are just a few aspects. Please feel free to comment on anything you may think of outside of these questions too.

Looking forward to reading various thoughts!

Roadmap of Evolution

There are different aspects of evolution of a person, such as, intellectual, physical, spiritual, emotional, social, creative, and so on. I wonder how most people mature and evolve, I mean how specifically, and in what order at different stages of their lives.

I have thought that there is a typical order (although my life doesn't conform to the typical order). Physical development + intellectual development happen parallely from infancy to about twenties. And typically after that, there is development of bigger and better material and survival skills- which maps to climbing the career ladder, or buying your own house or car etc., and emotional development, to cope with girlfriends/boyfriends, ex dates, spouses, divorces, broken friendships, family ties and tensions. And then the stage from the mid life (crisis ?) to old age, where life takes a more spiritual turn, with a quest for more and more simplicity through the small yet meaningful things beyond the veil of mundaneness. (Actually this last leg can be quite different depending on the person - I guess there could be senile people who made a lot more sense when they were younger). But anyway, is this how everyone sees it and is this how people see themselves growing?

Personally for me it's been very very different. My spiritual quests and reasoning were at their peak in the teens. In my early twenties bulk of my energy went into physical development, when I worked out a lot and developed strength and stamina and worked my way into getting lean and mean. I also developed a lot of survival skills since I left home and the first couple of years after that were hard. Now most of my energy is spent on intellectual things, both left and right brain oriented, due to my fulltime job + part time degree, and my interest and consequently, time spent in the arts. So when I look at the path of my life since adolesence it's something like: spiritual -> [physical + emotional + social] -> intellectual. Of course all aspects of evolution are present in all stages of life but this map is based on the most *dominant* aspect, or the most significant aspect, at any particular stage.

Do people's life maps typically look quite different from the above? How do you see yourself evolve? What does your roadmap of evolution look like- the past and the future you envision? Would you have liked the roadmap so far to have been different and if so why? If not, why not?

I am really looking forward to reading your thoughts!