Would you adopt a child? If yes, what would the reasons be? Lately I have heard of many friends wanting to, and it's not because they do not want to have their own biological children or that they cannot, but they want to adopt kid(s) in addition to their own (biological) kid(s). Would you do this? If so, what would your motivation be? While adoption in and of itself is a great idea because it often gives abandoned children a chance for a better life, could adoption in cases where the parents also have their own biological children lead to more harm than good due to competitiveness between the adopted kid(s) and the biological kid(s)? Do you suppose that sibling rivalry in these cases could lead to bitterness and resentment that affect potentially both children's psychological and mental development?
On a related note, would your parenting of an adopted child be exactly the same as that of a biological child? Would there be any issues with parenting because of not being as intimately aware of an adopted child as you are of your own child? Since I am not a parent, at least yet, I may be clueless in some of these aspects. :)
Further, do you think there are any racial factors related to upbringing that could come in the way of effectively parenting a child of a different race? Is upbringing adaptive in a sense, so that parenting a child of one's own race is instinctively right by the process of evolution? What part of effective parenting in your opinion is instinctive and what part of it can come through educating oneself?
I would welcome your thoughts on any of the above, or related topics. Please do share what you think...
"How did humans get to life?"
9 years ago
24 comments:
Whatever may be the motivation for adoption, my curiosity has always been to know how and when the parents decide to actually reveal this fact to the adopted child?? More interestingly, how this child would then react!
Very true indeed. I often think that it would be best to adopt a child that's at least 8 yers old or older so that it has some idea of how it got into the family from day 1 and there are no secrets or surprises. Things get really difficult if one adopts an infant. There is a beautiful tamil movie by Mani Ratnam based on this theme.
And for an adopted child to have siblings that are biological children of his/her parents would make it even harder on the child...
First of all, great idea with the cyberdiaries. Secondly, very good topic. This is something I have thought about often and for a long time. And I am finding that my thoughts are changing over the years. You have posed some interesting questions and I have some more of my own. First, to answer yours -
1. Yes, I have always seen myself as someone who would adopt a child
2. My motivation would be the ability to provide a nurturing environment to a child. At one point of time, I used to think that rather than having my own biological child, I would only adopt. I get paranoid about the whole population explosion thing sometimes :) (And I dont think I am going to pass on anything faboulous by way of genes.) Jokes apart I feel that there are various complications between raising a biological and an adopted child together, and they are not limited to how you and your spouse handle it. There are many other factors that are hard to assume, like relatives, social outlook and peers. I have personally witnessed an aunt refer to the adopted child as 'the girl' in spite of unbiased treatment by parents and grandparents of the children. (3) A lot of this can be successfully avoided, but things have to be clear to both children right from the beginning. Children can be the worst kind of blackmailers, so this kind of thing will have to be nipped in the bud. (4) Sure, with all the greatest love and benefits having been showered on me by my biological parents, I have tormented them as a teenager with things that I thought they somehow did or didnt do. It's because they are sensible, and I became so, that I outgrew them. But a *real* factor being present can inhibit psychological development.
The parenting question is again very difficult to answer. Not being a parent today doesnt help either. In some ways, it is probably similar to having a step child. A lot would depend on the age at which the child is brought into the family, his/her earlier experiences and the level to which the children's personalities have already developed. I would try to be a fair parent for sure, but I know that can be very trying in itself. Plus, both parents have to meticulously keep working in tandem and have the maturity to handle the situation.
Frankly, I did not ponder on the racial issues much. But I doubt that once the child is part of the family, there would have to be any cognizance of racial origins. Well, I might be wrong, so maybe I should reserve my comments here.
Anyway, excellent topic of discussion and I'd love to see what other people have to say. Why dont you put down your own thoughts too?
Altruistic and emotional angles (about which I doubt if I'd have any new ideas to offer, given the stage of life I'm now in) apart, adopting kids could be a very revealing experience with respect to the ongoing debate of 'nature vs nurture'. It could serve as an experiment in psychology/genetics to learn which (behavioral and other) characteristics children are born with, and which they acquire from their environment. (Questions of heritability etc)
It is now being said that the extent to which a gene affects a particular trait itself depends on the environment!
This might help:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
Nature_versus_nurture#Heritability_
Estimates
Sorry if this digression is uncalled for!
When people adopt, they generally bring a child into their family with the hope of giving it a good home and a shot at a better life.
It is great to see your concern for not only the physical, but also the psycological well being of this adopted child.
Sibling rivalry can be extremly burdensome in this situation. I know of instances where even joking with a child about him/her being adopted has caused mental strain and enxiety.
Perhaps an option is to adopt only after your own child is old enough to understand, appreciate and accept the new family member.
About the racial question - my concern is more about how the society will interact with a child from a different race. Will the child always be looked upon as "different"? In a society such as the United States (excluding culturally cacooned racial pockets) this wouldnt be much of a concern, but raising a blond haired, blue eyed German boy in Iran would be a totally different thing.
"Is parenting a child of one's own race instinctively right by the process of evolution?"
I dont really think so. Perhaps parenting a child from a different race is evolution at its best.
Thanks to everyone who has participated so far! Great! Let's keep this going.
To comment on this topic myself, I might sound equivocal about some of these things and the whole reason I posted this topic was precisely that. I am indecisive about some of these questions.
I would love to adopt a child because:
1. It would be great to have a big family but how many children of your own can you have without qualms in today's world of population explosion, dearth of resources and poverty conditions in the third world countries?
2. There are millions of kids out there, in need for a family, good living conditions and the promise for a bright future.
But why not just adopt?
I think having one's own biological child:
1. Is a kind of experience not replacable by any other, perhaps especially for women.
2. This totally depends on how I feel about myself at any point of time, but sometimes I think my genes are not bad afterall, they might do some good down the road. :) And sometimes I feel it's not going to make a significant difference to the world.
To reply to Sindhu's post about Nature vs Nurture, I don't think the motivation of adopting should be sociobiological experimentation. It's too high a cost to pay. :) But the topic is a very interesting one.
Regarding racial issues, the biggest problem is of course how a society would react to a child of a different race. That apart, I think the problem might not be with regard to parenting per se, but about the parents trying to put the adopted child into activities that the child is not adapted to do well. The validity of this argument is in turn dependent on the "Nature vs Nurture" factor, of course. To cite an example, a family that is highly "cultured", in classical music, art and the like might naturally get an adopted child into doing the same kind of activities that they have been doing for generations, like music. But the kid might have no talent for it, as a result of his/her genes but may make a great athlete. However, this still might not be a serious issue if the parents are sensitive enough to identify the strengths and the weaknesses of the child. In fact, it's probably good for parents to make as few assumptions as possible even about their own children and make an unbiased decision of what the children would and would not be good at pursuing.
The sibling rivalry question still stands and is a scary one. Even though this is very variable based on the particular children and the particular conditions and history, the worst case scenario imaginable is scary enough for one to shy away from having both an adopted and a biological child. I am undecided on how this should be handled and don't even think there is a "right" thing to do.
One interesting moral question is, while the right thing to do from the point of view of an adopted child is to treat both him/her and the biological child equally, is that the right thing to do from the point of view of the biological child? The very fact that one chooses to have their own child is because of a unique experience or a unique something... given this, does a parent owe it to their biological child to cherish him/her in a special, irreplacable way and treat him/her such? Would it raise the question in the child's mind "Why did you have to have me if your parenting instincts could have been satisfied with adopted children?" Or is this invalid because your own child *will* be special to you no matter what? In that case the equality is just a facade. Or are both the adopted and the biological child special but in different ways for different reasons...? I need to think more but I might still be at a dead end. :)
I didn't mean to say that the study should be a *motivation* for adopting. Once adopted, a child could be used for the study, ethically of course, and with the consent of all the people involved. (Anyway, much of it would only involve merely observing the child; other things being gene mapping etc)
I was just indicating that this was a possibility, since this issue has intrigued me for long.
And I really wonder if its possible at all to treat both your own and your adopted kid equally. Personally I don't think its easy at all. My take would be to have just adopted kids or just your own kids.
As you say, Sumi, the equality will indeed be a facade even if unintentional.
(Picture this hypothetical situation just for some food for thought: an adopted kid and a biological kid both need kidneys that match the mother's. For whom will the mother more readily give her's?? (If they need it at the same time, then that makes the situation even more complex!))
These moral dilemmas exist all the time. They are like evil invisible ghosts and one only has to hope that life will never pose a situation in which they become visible and one needs to deal with them. For instance, The kidney donation example can be changed to have two children of your own, both in need of a kidney and the mom's matching both. Whom would she then donate it to? But I get your point I guess. :)
There are dilemmas everywhere imaginable, in the web of human relationships. Spouse vs parents, chidren vs spouse, friends vs family etc. When pushed to the very extreme of confronting such a situation, a person could have an emotional breakdown being unable to go one way or another. In some cases it's not even just people involved. It could be principles vs love for someone.
Yeah, I thought of it myself too- replacing the adopted kid in the example with another biological kid. Its probably not even about whom she ultimately gives the kidney to. Its more about her thought processes- and I think they would be different in the two cases (she would probably 'more pained' that she's able to help only one of her own kids than she would be in the case of the adopted child).
But is real equality reflected by acts or thought?
Well...I realize I'm carrying this eg. too far! :) I don't know!
I love this concept - starting with our age old traditional mythology connection - Yashoda maiya.. is considered always as the mother of Krishna - whereas Devaki is considered the biological mother. But Krishna grows up to be who he is because of the love and freedom Yashoda gives during his growing up years.
My take - I would any day adopt children - to instill ethics/morals and supporting their growing up, rather than adding to the global warming! :P :) hahah... Hen warming egg concept.. hahaha... Another reason - I'm not biased to "my" own children - "my" dna... or some ancestor's dna... or some bio crap - and consider the whole community of children to be possibilities of joy and tomorrow's future. Being more objective can be better in raising kids of tomorrow's future.
You have give this a hearing :
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=12138181
storyId=12138181
ah that was an invaluable link! thank you!
for anyone interested- an adoption story: http://www.newsweek.com/id/74385/page/1
A related interesting article:
http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2008-01-11T205021Z_01_EIC170379_RTRUKOC_0_US-TWINS-ODD.xml
It's probably a little late to post a comment on this discussion, but I couldn't help mention this little aspect :)
The fundamental conflict in parent-child relationship is expectations that parents set for their children, the pressures children face to live up to their expecations vs. following their hearts, and the rebellions and disappointments that ensue in the process.
Parents of adopted children risk facing this conflict much severely, IF their expectation of reciprocation becomes a little more stronger, in which case the disappointments that arise are heavier blows, and how they take this on the child could be psychologically crippling.
As true as each of us strive to be, there is no escape that at some part of our deep subconscious is this little seed that gets sowed, that adopting a child is a HUGE favor to the child and the expectations from the child get higher. How much this seed grows strong and wild is inversely proportional to the extent of emotional bonding one has with the child. And many times higher expectations is a result of extreme "love" or possesiveness towards the child.
My argument is that every parent faces this problem. Almost every biological parent complains of not having a satisfying bond with their children. The intensity and the consequences vary. In cases of totally estranged relationships, the implicit bond of blood and genes keeps the relationship at least faintly alive. The fear is, what if the relationship dies due to the lack of this bond? Well, every other relationship we have - with spouse, friends, etc carries that risk. And as bitter a relationship may get, if the emotional bonding and mutual love is strong, it overrides everything. Isn't it true that in some corners of our heart, even ex-es and ex-friends retain a certain care and fondness. As humans our emotions play a much higher role, and extent of bonding does indeed make a difference.
With sibling rivarly, we know of almost every household that has favorite sons and daughters. The worst case scenario of sibling rivalry between biological children, is not very different from that of a biological and adopted child. Sometimes I wonder if it's much more cruel for a biological child to feel unloved while knowing that s/he was sharing the parents' blood and genes. I would argue it's far more damaging to feel rejected by one's own parents.
Nurturing without expecting reciprocation of some form is impossible. If we can maturely balance nurturing and our expectations, then most of our problems in life get solved.
Adopting a child does indeed come with a lot of question marks and is a little more complicated. It's necessary for every parent contemplating on adoption to go through this rigorous process of evaluating themselves, but not all concerns can be addressed and not all questions can be answered :). I feel even parents contemplating on having bilogical children can't address all of their concerns on how to bring up a child responsibily with minimal phsycological scarring. And I feel it's ok... every decision in life carries risk. We just need to have faith in our better instincts while embarking on such decisions.
Everything said and done, the probability of the child facing psychological scars while s/he remains orphaned is much higher than when brought into a family.
@ns
It's never late to post comments. Please consider all threads open forever.
Thanks for sharing!
It was comforting to hear your final statement, which is very true, that there is more probability of psychological scarring by being orphaned than by being adopted.
With regard to the generalization that every parent child relationship has its own set of issues and that every parent faces problems with bringing up their children, I agree with it. But the focus of my thought was comparing a situation of parenting two biological children of one's own with a situation of parenting one biological child and one adopted child at the same time. The latter certainly seems more complicated.
Also, although it is very clear that when looking at the choices as 'adopted' versus 'orphaned', adopted is much better, when adopting a child *in addition* to a biological child, the parent is affecting not just one child's life but two children's. Would the biological child be pained by the fact that the 'other' child (not related by blood) is treated equally? May be I am overanalyzing and kids cannot think that far. :-)
I can also picture it being no different for the biological child (assuming it is the first one), because instead of seeing the mother pregnant and then one day seeing a baby being brought from a hospital, the child is going to see a baby being brought from somewhere else. Either way the elder child has to cope with the addition of a new family member...
The fear/problem as we see it is two fold - a)Concern on whether our biological chid/chidren will accept the new child, b)Concern that we don't end up rejecting the adopted child
With kids, any new kid is the same - be it their own sister/brother or someone else.All parents having a second child go through the risk of the elder one feeling neglected or rejecting the younger one. A main reason for the elder child's reaction is dependent on how effectively the parents deal with the situation. And this leads to part b) how much do we trust ourselves in doing a good job.
Although it might seem like I'm generalizing issues here, what I'm trying to point is sibling relationship with bilogical kids carries the same amount of risks - maybe in a slightly differnt way. As a kid (less than 10 years old), I don't reason if i should be nicer to my biological sister, because she came from mama's tummy and not to anyone else. The kid still needs to learn to cope with new baby from the hospital hogging mom's attention. Right from the early stages of pregnancy, it is ideal for the mother to prepare the elder one by instilling a sense of pride, a sense of duty and responsibility towards the unborn baby. When the baby is born, doctors would advise not to neglect the elder one, and would advocate on involving the elder one to take care of the younger one (making the elder child pick clothes, pick the name, participate in feeding and playing with the baby, delegating duties to take care etc). Fraternal bond develops over a period of time and effort goes into developing it. I believe this bond is not implicit with biological siblings. We should remind ourselves that not all sisters and brothers get along. It’s reality that many sibling relationships are not even maintained these days. Is the blame largely on parents then? So parents planning to have more than 1 biological child should also go through the same doubt on how much “damage” is possible, if they fail to express their affection equally to both kids, due to disappointments of their expectations.
Some ways of reducing the risk is to evaluate our child to understand if s/he can handle such a change. Parents can map their children’s characteristics to estimate their reaction. If there is a negative estimation, then the safest option is to put adoption off until the child is old enough to empathize and understand. When we bring in a child, just like a pregnant mother starts preparing the elder one, a process of preparing the elder child should start months before the new child comes into the family. A mother’s constant and careful preparation can start the fraternal instinct. There are risks along the way – what if the elder child tells the new one s/he is adopted before the child is prepared to hear? Well this risk is similar to what if our biological child gets exposed to drugs before s/he turns 13? Risks with raising kids are always present in various flavours. Some are unique to adopted children, some are unique to physically/cognitively challenged children, some unique to children with special characteristics,.... every type of kid carries the challenge of having some kind of psychological scarring due to parents, even the supposedly “normal” ones.
Hence, it really boils down to how much faith we have in ourselves in handling these situations, and how much faith do we have in ourselves in not rejecting the adopted child. As I mentioned earlier, there is a fear in us that we ourselves see adoption as being a favor in some sense, and this leads us to question how genuine we would be as parents. But as I said, it’s perfectly fine if we don’t have answers to all the questions. All we need is faith in ourselves :). There are surely risks along the way but we need to trust our contingency and mitigation skills to make a decision :)
@ns
sorry, on vacation right now. I just got a few minutes browsing while at a laundromat and read your comments.
Yeah, a lot of what you say makes sense. It helps to realize that we needn't have answers to all the questions. :) I guess I will keep questioning and playing devil's advocate on myself until I feel prepared!
If you don't mind my question - have you adopted a child?
No, I haven't adopted a child and neither am I parent yet. I guess I've waxed poetic as if I know it all from a first-hand experience :).
Maybe I'm in this phase in my life, but I feel such decisions cannot be made using reasoning and logic alone. I have had many such arguments with myself and I've realized they have no end. It's just a realization at some point when the answer comes from our heart and from our belief that we will give our best.
Millions of children are not born normal. A child who is born without eye sight cannot be expected to have a completely normal life devoid of any psychological scarring. It's unfortuantely inevitable, but the extent of it can be greatly mitigated.
Similarly an orpahaned child will carry some baggage due to the tag attached to them forever, and we cannot shed it off completely for them. That's reality. It is how we step in and try to minimize that effect that matters. Yes, there is potentially the risk of messing the child up even more, but here is where the answer comes from the trust we have in ourselves. And it's that feeling of confidence and trust in our better instincts that can make the decision for us.
Hope you're having a good vacation :)
Post a Comment