This sounds simple and clichéd, but I want to know what people think about friendship. What qualities do you need the most in a friend? We always hear of things like "a friend *is there* for me", "a friend does *not judge* me", "I can *be myself* with a friend" etc. What are your criteria/expectations? Which of them would you be willing to compromise on and to what extent? Does a friend have to be intelligent and interesting only, or a "good" person too (by whatever your definition of "good person" is)? Or is the former not important at all as long as the person is well intentioned? Does the person have to be "good" in general; i.e., towards other people or society at large, or is it enough for them to be good to you? Are intellectual elements such as criticisms and debates important, and do you prefer that they keep you honest always? Or may be there are some here who think friends are just for having a "good time" with and are happy as long as they have fun with friends. What do you think? Or do friends have to be fun in addition to satisfying other things?
Do they need to take interest in you, your passions and what you do? For e.g., would you naturally expect a friend to give you feedback on your tennis strokes or a work of art of yours? Do you think this is reciprocal and if so how do you define the terms of your "transactions" with people? Is it based on the other person's action/inaction? Also, do friends always have to share their goals and dreams and experiences with you?
Further, I have come across people ("friends") who are mostly competitive. Their focus is almost always on how much better (or worse) you do than them in anything. Do things like this seem significant to you at all and would they affect your image of them as a friend?
My final set of questions revolves around how people change with time and circumstances. Does it affect you if a person you were once close to changed in some way that may be considered "superficial"? For e.g., if a friend of yours completely changed the way they look or talk, would you feel comfortable adjusting to the change and still thinking of the person as the same friend?
Maybe there is no specific set of criteria and each friend is different from another and you like different things about different people. But are there any common (least common denominator) set of qualities you want a friend to have or want a friend *not* to have?
The above mentioned are just a few aspects. Please feel free to comment on anything you may think of outside of these questions too.
Looking forward to reading various thoughts!
"How did humans get to life?"
9 years ago
8 comments:
Timing of your latest blog was interesting. I have questioned the essence of friendship a lot - especially over the past few years of stay in this country. To add to friends, a feeling of belonging to a community too.
I came up with no definite answers - since human beings seem to change very conveniently according to their circumstances... sometimes personal, professional, competitive attitudes, for the heck of it or so many endless reasons. I remember once I shared with you - when I considered folks as good friends and found them introducing me as their "classmate" or "colleague" - it would make me wonder - why am I on a different page.... and re-assess relationships.
One simple observation - the search for all kinds of answers get you deeper inside your own self - and you realize there is no better friend than self. That is as far as I got - in the search for truth of friendship, and a lot of meaningless relationships.
At 30, I really feel like I'm 60 years old - with a hope that - if I get to being 60.. i am praying to god that i will be very young at heart. And my own best friend. Solitude at it's best.
Thanks for giving me an opportunity to share. It's fun to chat with you on such topics. Hopefully sometime in future, we will get a chance to travel to a few places that we might cherish to visit and question a zillion topics. ( Ever seen the movie " Bucket List" ? That will be a fun exercise to work on with you! :))
-V
Friendship is the best of all relations, because it is unconditional to the best possible extent in human relationships. Of course, there are criteria that one must look for when making friends or maintaining friendships: the competitive sort are definitely out - as an adult, I don't think one can get along very well with a child in an adult's body!!
I've seen friendships where the "friend" becomes such a big tax on one's mind that one has to terminate or cool off the friendship. Also, the sort of associations where one gets to know people through situations, but there is no inherent bonding, do not usually lead to good friendships, in my opinion. Perhaps these are the sort that become competitive.
I don't think yes men are true friends. A friend should know when to criticise your actions and help you come on to the right path, if you happen to waver from it. I know of couples where one partner totally accepts the other partner's actions, all in the name of "accepting people as they are" and such bullshit. This is fine to a certain extent, and we all must put up with certain idiosyncracies of our friends, because it is these imperfections that make us human. However, a total surrender to the other person's weaknesses is not friendship, in my opinion. I think marriage is based on friendship too, so the basic tenets are the same. I wouldn't like to marry someone who merely toes my line of action irrespective of what I do, nor would I like to marry someone who criticises everything I do - I think the middle path is the best, both in marriage and in friendships.
Friendship requires that one give space to the other and also give genuine appreciation and criticism where it is deemed fit. It is difficult to define a formula for this, but I think you get the drift.
I think the best friendships are those where one helps the other person evolve as a human being - the outer actions could be anything if this criterion is fulfilled.
Due to psychological reasons, however, it is difficult to keep friendships with competitive and insulting people, even if they may in some way help us evolve as human beings. Here I'm obviously implying that insults are a necessary part of evolution. If everyone is goody-goody with us, we'll never feel like evolving beyond worldly perceptions and constraints.
We are only human, and we have our specific biases that govern our friendships. I do look for a basic amount of goodness in a friend, but even if this criterion is met, I find it very, very difficult to remain friends with stupid people, even of they are well-intentioned - this is one such bias. Remember the story of the king and his monkey friend who cut off his nose in trying to kill a fly!! However, I must admit that my bias is not due to such a long-term vision, but has more to do with my subconscious irritation with stupid people.
It is also important for friends to be fun in the sense that one should get positive vibes from them through their association. Negative people are the biggest turn-offs in terms of friendship.
I don't consider it absolutely necessary for my friends to take an active interest in my hobbies, but if they understand that I have certain hobbies and they understand why these hobbies are important for me, that should suffice. However, this is not entirely necessary.
I don't think it is necessary for friends to share their dreams and experiences with me - sometimes I wish they didn't. Some people believe this is a sign of frankness, but it is often a sign of immaturity. They may do it to some extent, but I don't want to know about their suicide attempts or love life, in most cases......
If a friend becomes superficial or in some other way challenged for some reason, I'd try to understand why that has happened. If I think this is a phase that he or she is passing through, I'll maintain my friendship and allow this phase to pass. If it is a long-term thing, then he or she will naturally fall out of friendship with me, though contact with that person may still remain.
We look for both convenience and evolution through our friendships, and I think a good balance of these two aspects makes for a complete and fulfilling friendship.
Trying to crystallize definitions or constraints for abstract but very important things like Love, Life partner, or even Friendship has led me to the conclusion that there is really no set definition. It depends largely on what is called the 'click factor'. Otherwise everyone of my closest friends would have the same or very similar qualities. But that is not true - I have very close friendships with people who are poles apart.
I think it begins with being able to genuinely like someone. This includes finding them interesting and relating to them on at least ONE fundamental level. Then it could be about your deepest philosophical insights or your most fun and relaxed moods. Yes, but at the same time there needs to be a multi-dimensional aspect to it as well, cause otherwise your interest in each other will fade out once the situation or interest that binds you fades out or dims.
The vibes we share also go beyond feelings of competition, ability to provide criticism, appreciating each other as well. Meaning, it might actually be possible to be best friends with someone who is your competitor provided the relationship is actually healthy. Provided the competition is for a particular goal, not with each other - "may the best man win" policy. It is hard, but possible to have such friendships as well. But it also takes a lot of self awareness and integrity to maintain their sanctity.
As a general pattern, I have not had a close friend whom I could not respect, or trust. There are some lop sided relationships wherein someone considered me an extremely close friend, while I considered them just a friend. To that extent, I identified two things as being required to form a strong foundation - willingness (to help, to be friendly, to be involved) and ability (to support, to appreciate, to relate). In our closest friends, both of these things are found in good measure. When either or both are lacking in someone, the relationship is not as strong. And in this regard, the only ones in question are you and the other person, not equations with anyone else.
I would say of your point about people that are 'good' with you and not with others, that in certain aspects I would find that hard to deal with. For instance, my best friends all love animals, but at the same time some of my next-to-best friends are neutral towrds animals, but can respect my love for dogs. However, I cannot dream of being anywhere close to a person that abused or ill treated animals.
It's a little like different colour shades amongst people. Many different shades might form a particular shade representing a person, and perhaps I strike up close friendships with people who are in one particular part of the spectrum. But all said and done, I begin with really liking them, appreciating them, having a good time with them and then going on to being able to have expectations from them.
One more interesting point I use to judge who is my 'friend' is whether I am comfortable telling them sad/negative aspects of my life or about myself. If yes, then that's a good start. The rest are automatically filtered out. Further to that is the person willing and able to provide me with the correct feedback and guidance that I seek or need, which is helpful in the long term?
I have always had plenty of fights with my best friend, but we've never really gone 'away' from each other. We can disagree, fight our hearts out and still laugh together and have a great time without any grudges. That probably is what a great friendhip is about :)
Interesting questions that I have pondered about too...
I think friendship is the most flexible relationship where u can take a lot more liberty than in any other relationship. ("No strings attached") and so one must make most use of it to learn and mature- I completely agree with Dev on the "accepting people as they are" part. True friends will point out flaws and not pamper you.
I would certainly like a friendship to help me grow as a person (and of course, I'd like to equally contribute to the other person's growth)- in whatever way: emotionally/ intellectually/ artistically and so on. I have had such friendships and I can say it feels extremely gratifying. So for me, in an ideal friendship there's meeting of minds (on any plane)- that's my most preferred kind of friendship. Competition might creep in, but once there is perfect understanding, the competition would be healthy.
But of course, there are friends in whom u just confide, who lend a shoulder; sharing no common "mind zones" as well. And then there are those with whom you just "hang out" and have fun.
Its important to categorise friends and not just use the word generically- starting from "acquaintances" to "good" friends/ "best friend". You'd share one or more zones with each person and whether they take interest in what u do or not depends on which zone(s) u share with them. For eg- I wouldn't expect a friend of mine who has no inclination towards music to comment on my singing despite the possibility of him or her being a very good/close friend to me. We might relate on other planes.
To answer ur last question: yes, in the case of some special friendships, I would feel bad and let down if the friend changed in a manner I wouldn't expect or approve of- its hard unless both friends change together. Again, the "acceptance" thing...
And true indeed, that friendship forms the basis of all other relationships, ideally.
Quite well articulated, Sindhuja :)
Those were some beautiful responses, thanks all of you!
Attempting my share of braindump :)
Frindship is a unique relationship. I am not sure I agree with it being unconditional. 'Unconditional' according to me means, having no expectations at all. Whereas the whole topic of our discussion revolves around our expectations from a friend. However, it is special, because while you cannot choose your family, you can certainly choose your friends.
Expectations from a friend can vary as one matures. Where I am today, I am done with complicated relationships with unpredictability, superficialness in expression and lack of strength. I completely agree with lightrain's point about 'ability'. I think being a good friend requires the 'ability' to give, think about another person and care for them. In my experience, only some people seem to naturally have it. Self absorbed people are definitely out. My confusion for a long time, lay in how important it is that a 'friend' is self absorbed and just doesn't think of something obvious to do, just cannot lend a shoulder simply because of being in their own world. After a lot of brainstorming as well as reading the views presented by all you valued participants and my good friends, my conclusion is that at this point in my life, I am clear that I will share friendship with someone who will think about me, care about me, be critical of me, be open and respectful. I will try to reciprocate in double measure as well. I am at a stage in my life where I am very clear that 'friendships' grounded in just good times and fun, and no 'real' opening up or honesty or dependability are a drain of time, emotions and a distraction from
where I really want to get at in life- this is where Dev's comment about friends helping each other 'evolve' comes in.
It is importatnt to me that my friend is a 'good' person in general, towards others/society etc.
Another thing is that I usually find it hard to make friends with those I see no spark in, independent of how nice they are to me. On the other hand, when there *are* friends with that spark and some common interests and passions, I expect them to share those interests and passions and detest 'clamminess' and lack of exchange of feedback.
Regarding competitiveness, I agree, lightrain, that it's possible to have both friendship and competition but that's not the sort I was talking about, where the two individuals acknowledge the existance of competition between them and play a fair game. I was referring to those who are natually inclined to comparing themselves with you at every step. I find this rather suffocating.
Ah! After a lot of mulling over I am clear on these thoughts - I have finally decided what my expectations are, at least at this juncture of my life. :)
I dedicate this to all my good friends! Here's to you all!
And here's hoping I build more friendships in my life that are meaningful and complete!
Amen to that :)
Although i was a little too late to comment i decided to leave my opinion nevertheless.
As a kid i have had "FRIENDS". Different friends at different stages of life. Man being a social animal, needs people to live with. Now when i look back i wonder where i left behind those people i called friends and friends i could not live without. I played when my friends played, laughed when my friends laughed, cried when my friends cried, felt happy when my friends were happy............. but then i kept loosing them at each step. Was it a "mistake" from my side or was it their fault to not let the relationship going, or was it just a law of nature that we both (me and my friend) had to just move on......... I wonder.
I think friendship like any other relationship improves with time and association. The more you associate with some one the more you tend to be friend with them. (This could be also at it's opposite side, but well we are not here to talk about the negative relations). I think the more you are familiar with a person it is easier for you to understand and appreciate a person. You begin to accept the nature of a person, both positive and negative.
One question is that, can your family not be your friend? With time I have realized that my mom is my best friend. I wonder if she thinks the same about me. My sister is my best friend too because she satisfies all my requirements to friendship. She is there when ever i need her. We have common interests, common problems and a common background.
It is an easy question to ask, where was my friend when i needed her the most? Do we ever ask ourselves, where was I when my friend needed me the most...... I guess here comes the unconditional part.
For me a friend is someone who i know will be there for me when I need him/her, some one who can support me, correct me (of course in a gentle manner), understand my deficiencies and still be able to accept me. For such a friend I will be there for ever. I have a few such friends and I always thank them for being there.
To sum up, I have a son, 6 years old. Now, I hear him talk about friends, what he looks for in them and what are the problems he has with them............ Life goes on, it is indeed a wheel.
- Nagashree.
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